Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Secret Celebrity Babies

(Yahoo! Contributor Network rejected this - calling it a "rant for a blog"...good idea!)

For a while, we were counting on the rumor mill to tell us if Beyonce even had a bun in the oven. Now we've got to document and confirm all sightings.

The birth of daughter Blue Ivy - wouldn't it be fun if the real reason she was given that name is because Beyonce's first choice was Blue Willow but Jaz-Z reminded her that the name would forever associate the girl with Blue Willow China? at least she would have had a career available to her as a designer of flatware. The tabloids will pay big to anyone who can find pictures - she's like Nessie and Bigfoot right now.

Which brings to light a curious trend - Secret Celebrity Babies.

These are children who seem born out of  gossip - "Did they get together?" "Is she sporting a baby bump?" "Are They shopping for baby clothes?" "How long do you think she'll keep the baby weight?" "What does the baby look like?" "Is she pretending to be preggers and having it be carried by a surrogate or is she just putting away Paula Deen's donut burgers?" And son on, until a proper bidding war between tabloids produces modest photos of parents with child. Then it's over...until the next "bump" is sighted.

Or is it? Apparently there's a demand for "Baby's first steps" - photos of the toddler outside taking a stroll. Whether it be hopping into a filthy sandbox in the park or a dull play date at that dreary shop/cafe in Manhattan with the gloomy "Alice in Wonderland" decor, or just having an all-out fit on the sidewalk, it's those first steps avoiding seedy paps in dirty pullovers and enormous camera lenses that carry on well past the terrible twos.

My next-door neighbors had a baby. They act as though it didn't happen - some cosmic hiccup in reality, a slip of the metaphysical banana peel - you only think they were bringing furniture for a nursery into their apartment. What gives - who cares? Apparently they think I do, or the business of having responsibility dropped in their lap (in spite of the nine month warning) made them recoil and act relatively aloof until the squirt turns 20 and they can't wait for it to get out of the house?

For now, celebs and nobodies alike are keeping their newborn kin under wraps better than James Bond could. Maybe TMZ and Entertainment Tonight should air on the History Channel next to episodes of Ancient Aliens...

1 comment:

  1. He named her after Blu Cantrell? The guy's got balls, that's for sure... or maybe he's not artful enough to think of Blue Willow China.