Hey gang! I was at a swap meet and found a bunch of unmarked blank videocassette tapes that I brought for a buck!
...and then I found out why. I was hoping for someones pay-per-view recordings, but this was interesting ... and disturbing. Here's a transcript from a video diary on one tape dated October 14, 1997...
OK...Last time, I talked about how I was going to different flea markets, yard sales and swap meets - they're all kind of the same, but with different names, I don't get it - shopping for a specific type of lantern. Well, I've got eight so far and I need two more. I've maxed out my credit card and I'm worried if I borrow her card, she'll catch on to what I'm doing.
The tracking started to go on the video at this point. It continues for about ten minutes before the picture and sound come back.
I'm nervous about this. I was willing to believe the house was built on a hillside and the elevation kept us constantly adjusting furniture and anything hung-up on walls and anything on wheels - that type of thing. And when I found all those dead mice in the basement the day after we learned there were mice...and when we came back from our second Honeymoon and that whole family of squatters was found...hung from the ...
Another break, this time the color went to black and white and the whole image bent and at acute angles for a few minutes before the VCR went off. I checked the tape and blew off on odd accumulation of grimy ashes forming along the edges of the tape itself. Then I played it again...
I also didn't mind that she was into scary stories, particularly this Lovecraft guy. She's got boxes of stuff - all books, most of them in different languages, I think. Some of them have pictures of ...I don't know, some kind of tantric kama sutra voodoo stuff with a guy wearing an Octopus head...My last girlfriend was a huge My Little Pony fan. Michelle, I'm sorry I made fun of you, then. You haven't met Pamela.
The last watchable footage on the tape shows the man, now holding the camera, showing off the lanterns he purchased. They are all laid out on the floor in the formation of the points of a pentagram, with their cords and extension cords connecting to form the completed shape. He is also waving a large unwieldy hardcover book with his remaining free hand.
This is it...the book shows that if I stand in the center with the lanterns powered on, I will be safe for the night. So, I'm going to put the camera back on the stand and let it continue filming while I go to sleep.
He places a rocking chair in the center of the pentagram after setting the camera on its stand. He then plugs in a power strip that is hooked-up to all the lanterns on turns it on. The lanterns light up the area, which looks like the living room of the house. A voice calls out. It does not sound friendly.
"Michael? Are you coming to bed?"
"Michael" rushes toward a nearby desk and pulls out a gun. He then scrambles into the chair at the center of the pentagram.
"I'll be right there. I'm still watching the Late Show."
At this stage the picture tends to fade out and fade in at ten-minute intervals, with "Michael" dozing off in his rocker. The gun appears to have fallen out of his hand at some point...then, the lanterns start to flicker and a weird gurgling noise starts traveling into the room from off screen. Michael is startled and starts to look panicky before staring at something lurching forward...again, off screen. Then the power goes out.
The tape ends there.
...I started searching the tapes for more information. It seems he taped "Full House", "Step by Step", "Hanging With Mr. Cooper" and "Family Matters".
Just when you thought you'd seen the scariest thing ever, there's always something MUCH scarier...
Showing posts with label Ghosts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ghosts. Show all posts
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Friday, May 18, 2012
The New Traveller's Alamnac: No $#!+ Sherlock Edition for the Sher-Locked
Gentlemen:
Produced herewith is a supplement to our well-received compendium, this time with the focus centered on the exploits of a famous and celebrated British consulting detective, which happened concurrently with the farragoes of the illustrious team in service to Her Majesty's defense, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, formerly known as "Prospero's Men". We are reproducing notes made by one of our lower-ranking agents disguised as an employee of a respectable bank in England, who, with considerable risk, opened a safety deposit box belonging to Dr. John Watson and examined the contents. "J"'s notes are highlighted where appropriate:
Pre-1898: It appears the great detective was known to have encountered one member of Ms. Murray's League prior to 1898...
Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Holmes by Loren D. Estleman
1898 M or M ?: The year in which Ms. Murray's League assembled was a busy one...
The Peerless Peer by Philip Jose Farmer - It is not known if Lord Greystoke ever joined an American counterpart to the League, or if one existed prior to 1939, though Mr. Farmer hints that the services of a Mr. Spider, Mr. Savage , Det. Tracy, Ms. Drew, Mr. Colt, Mr. Carter, Ms. Pinkerton and Mr. Cranston were likely enlisted within the 39 year range.
Seance For A Vampire by Fred Saberhagen - Perhaps Mr. Holmes was reluctant to meet with his cousin's unrequited love interest. It would explain a lot...the sanguinary Count appears to have made no effort at a reunion, perhaps due to embarrassment...
The Seven Per Cent Solution by Nicholas Meyer - This is an amusing attempt by Dr. Watson to try and appease Colonel Moriarty's libel suit by bringing the Great Detective's drug addiction to light and improve Professor Moriarty's tarnished public image...*
The Canary Trainer by Nicholas Meyer - Holmes himself narrates this tale of his adventure during "The Great Hiatus" when everyone thought he was dead. He wasn't lonely - Miss Irene Adler and a known "Phantom" were present...*
The Star of India by Carole Bugge - This faintly comic escapade occurred shortly after Holmes' return to the land of the living and features Dr. Watson's first meeting with our head of Military Intelligence, mere days before he befell his tragic fate in Limehouse.*
Late 1898: Martian Invasion of Earth
The War of The Worlds by Manley W. Wellman & Wade Wellman - Holmes was accompanied by Professor Challenger in this adventure, a useful account of events in London while Ms. Murray was with Mr. Quartermain in the country.
The Giant Rat of Sumatra by Richard L. Boyer - It would seem Mr. Holmes has had his own brushes with weirdness...*
Jack The Ripper:
A Study In Terror by Ellery Queen - A savvy account of Holmes investigation by an American rival...*
The Last Sherlock Holmes Story by Michael Dibdin - well, it has been said that Holmes seemed different after his "resurrection". This may have been Watson's early effort at damage control after a severe drug relapse. Holmes' often-described lament at Moriarty's passing has dangerous consequences...*
The West End Horror by Nicolas Meyer - Holmes is back in fine form solving what appears to be a copycat crime and even encounters his cousin's biographer, Bram Stoker.*
1904-1915 None of Your Beeswax: We are now coming to the strangest period of the Great Detective's life - his sudden and unexpected retirement and desire to become a keeper of bees.
The Breath of God by Guy Adams - Ms. Murray's encounter with Oliver Haddo in 1910 is well-chronicled, but it would appear that Holmes and Watson had their own encounter with the man, as well as teaming up with Thomas Carnaki, of Ms. Murray's second League. Watson may have thought the events were too recherche for the public and changed the names of the persons involved. Mr. Haddo is split into two aliases -identified as "Alistair Crowley" and"Karswell Trelawney", here. *
"The Adventure of Hillerman Hall/aka, How A Hermit Was Disturbed In His Retirement" by Julian Symons - A young woman from the village of St. Mary Mead approached Holmes begging for his help in a private matter. Mr. Holmes did not catch "Jane"'s full name, but it may have been "Marble" or "Maple"...*
The Beekeeper's Apprentice by Laurie R. King - beginning in 1915, Mr. Holmes life was forever changed by the entrance of Miss Mary Russell, a young American woman who begins her long association with him first as an apprentice, then as his wife. It is through Miss Russell's accounts that we also learn of Sherlock's 2nd child with Irene Adler, Damian, an artist who signs his work, "The Addler".*
The Royal Jelly Factor: Evidence exists hinting that Holmes may still be alive...
The Golden Spiders by Rex Stout - A representative sample of an account of Holmes 1st-born with Irene Adler, Auguste Dupa, who underwent a name change and enjoyed a successful, if not particularly exciting career as a private detective.*
The Pirate King by Laurie R. King - Holmes flirts with a second avocation by making his screen debut opposite his wife with a small part in a silent film...*
A Three Pipe Problem by Julian Symons - ...and here we learn of his stage name, Sheridan Hayes...
Sherlock - Presumably tired of acting, a younger actor assumes the role in reenactments of his recent caseload, which involves working in tandem with descendants of his brother Mycroft and of John Watson. The Moriarty and Adler family trees extend well into the 21st century and have been documented elsewhere...*
Elementary! - chronicling his experiences in the colonies in the present-day, alongside Dr. Watson's Chinese great-granddaughter.
Sherlock Holmes in The 22nd Century - there is some speculation that a descendant of Inspector Lestrade transmitted messages via unconfirmed technology to Mycroft Holmes in 1898, assuring him that a confidential cloning/cryogenic longevity experiment has been a complete success...*
Thus completes our supplementary companion. We hope it clears everything up.
*Note: all items marked with an "*" are an attempt by the lickspittle "J" to indicate he is familiar with the facts pertained within. He has been deported back to the colonies with great haste.
Produced herewith is a supplement to our well-received compendium, this time with the focus centered on the exploits of a famous and celebrated British consulting detective, which happened concurrently with the farragoes of the illustrious team in service to Her Majesty's defense, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, formerly known as "Prospero's Men". We are reproducing notes made by one of our lower-ranking agents disguised as an employee of a respectable bank in England, who, with considerable risk, opened a safety deposit box belonging to Dr. John Watson and examined the contents. "J"'s notes are highlighted where appropriate:
Pre-1898: It appears the great detective was known to have encountered one member of Ms. Murray's League prior to 1898...
Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Holmes by Loren D. Estleman
1898 M or M ?: The year in which Ms. Murray's League assembled was a busy one...
The Peerless Peer by Philip Jose Farmer - It is not known if Lord Greystoke ever joined an American counterpart to the League, or if one existed prior to 1939, though Mr. Farmer hints that the services of a Mr. Spider, Mr. Savage , Det. Tracy, Ms. Drew, Mr. Colt, Mr. Carter, Ms. Pinkerton and Mr. Cranston were likely enlisted within the 39 year range.
Seance For A Vampire by Fred Saberhagen - Perhaps Mr. Holmes was reluctant to meet with his cousin's unrequited love interest. It would explain a lot...the sanguinary Count appears to have made no effort at a reunion, perhaps due to embarrassment...
The Seven Per Cent Solution by Nicholas Meyer - This is an amusing attempt by Dr. Watson to try and appease Colonel Moriarty's libel suit by bringing the Great Detective's drug addiction to light and improve Professor Moriarty's tarnished public image...*
The Canary Trainer by Nicholas Meyer - Holmes himself narrates this tale of his adventure during "The Great Hiatus" when everyone thought he was dead. He wasn't lonely - Miss Irene Adler and a known "Phantom" were present...*
The Star of India by Carole Bugge - This faintly comic escapade occurred shortly after Holmes' return to the land of the living and features Dr. Watson's first meeting with our head of Military Intelligence, mere days before he befell his tragic fate in Limehouse.*
Late 1898: Martian Invasion of Earth
The War of The Worlds by Manley W. Wellman & Wade Wellman - Holmes was accompanied by Professor Challenger in this adventure, a useful account of events in London while Ms. Murray was with Mr. Quartermain in the country.
The Giant Rat of Sumatra by Richard L. Boyer - It would seem Mr. Holmes has had his own brushes with weirdness...*
Jack The Ripper:
A Study In Terror by Ellery Queen - A savvy account of Holmes investigation by an American rival...*
The Last Sherlock Holmes Story by Michael Dibdin - well, it has been said that Holmes seemed different after his "resurrection". This may have been Watson's early effort at damage control after a severe drug relapse. Holmes' often-described lament at Moriarty's passing has dangerous consequences...*
The West End Horror by Nicolas Meyer - Holmes is back in fine form solving what appears to be a copycat crime and even encounters his cousin's biographer, Bram Stoker.*
1904-1915 None of Your Beeswax: We are now coming to the strangest period of the Great Detective's life - his sudden and unexpected retirement and desire to become a keeper of bees.
The Breath of God by Guy Adams - Ms. Murray's encounter with Oliver Haddo in 1910 is well-chronicled, but it would appear that Holmes and Watson had their own encounter with the man, as well as teaming up with Thomas Carnaki, of Ms. Murray's second League. Watson may have thought the events were too recherche for the public and changed the names of the persons involved. Mr. Haddo is split into two aliases -identified as "Alistair Crowley" and"Karswell Trelawney", here. *
"The Adventure of Hillerman Hall/aka, How A Hermit Was Disturbed In His Retirement" by Julian Symons - A young woman from the village of St. Mary Mead approached Holmes begging for his help in a private matter. Mr. Holmes did not catch "Jane"'s full name, but it may have been "Marble" or "Maple"...*
The Beekeeper's Apprentice by Laurie R. King - beginning in 1915, Mr. Holmes life was forever changed by the entrance of Miss Mary Russell, a young American woman who begins her long association with him first as an apprentice, then as his wife. It is through Miss Russell's accounts that we also learn of Sherlock's 2nd child with Irene Adler, Damian, an artist who signs his work, "The Addler".*
The Royal Jelly Factor: Evidence exists hinting that Holmes may still be alive...
The Golden Spiders by Rex Stout - A representative sample of an account of Holmes 1st-born with Irene Adler, Auguste Dupa, who underwent a name change and enjoyed a successful, if not particularly exciting career as a private detective.*
The Pirate King by Laurie R. King - Holmes flirts with a second avocation by making his screen debut opposite his wife with a small part in a silent film...*
A Three Pipe Problem by Julian Symons - ...and here we learn of his stage name, Sheridan Hayes...
Sherlock - Presumably tired of acting, a younger actor assumes the role in reenactments of his recent caseload, which involves working in tandem with descendants of his brother Mycroft and of John Watson. The Moriarty and Adler family trees extend well into the 21st century and have been documented elsewhere...*
Elementary! - chronicling his experiences in the colonies in the present-day, alongside Dr. Watson's Chinese great-granddaughter.
Sherlock Holmes in The 22nd Century - there is some speculation that a descendant of Inspector Lestrade transmitted messages via unconfirmed technology to Mycroft Holmes in 1898, assuring him that a confidential cloning/cryogenic longevity experiment has been a complete success...*
Thus completes our supplementary companion. We hope it clears everything up.
*Note: all items marked with an "*" are an attempt by the lickspittle "J" to indicate he is familiar with the facts pertained within. He has been deported back to the colonies with great haste.
Monday, January 9, 2012
One Life To Waste
Soon, perhaps not soon enough, One Life To Live, the ABC daytime soap opera, will be over...maybe. It may get a regeneration in the form of an online web series... or not. Whatever happens, its time on network television is running out, and will it go out with a bang - or like a cancelled comic book?
I often hear people use soap opera as an example of good storytelling in comics - "..the stories have enough of a soap opera-element to get the reader to want to ask ,'What happens next?'" Unfortunately, soap operas on television often belie this idea - they are the best examples of bad storytelling. Stories that have no plot last over a year, then extended if popular/unpopular because the writer has hit a dead end. Characters linger on past their sell-by date, bad teenage actors, weird plot connections, and worst of all, new characters are introduced either to pander to trends or further the current plot. One Life - set in an expanding working-class New Jersey town - has got it all - The Buchannon family were introduced to capitalize on the popularity of Dallas and never went back to Texas. A popular baby-switching storyline that featured Judith Light and Tommy Lee Jones (!) did not end until most of the principal characters had already left. Inner-city ghetto Angel Square and the Vega/Delgado families (Carlotta, Antonio, Christian and Tea) did not exist until the mid-90's. Before that, the show was mostly quaint New England coziness with looming skyscrapers thrown in. It was the middle-child among the ABC soaps, and , if you ask my Mom, the best years were 1993-1995, "...when they ended they story lines fast - on the next day, Joe! The next day!" Oh, and the years when Jill Larsen played Ursula - a loony who liked to flirt with other loonies by showing her talent at building homespun electric chairs. You really had to be there to see that one. Then there's Eternia - the show's nadir. A fortune (well, in TV talk it was a fortune) spent imagining a lost city built by more-alive-when-dead tycoon Victor Lord and had all the excitement of a Land Of The Lost marathon. Eternia...Eternia - why does that sound familiar? ;)
Then there's Todd Manning. Former gang-rape leader turned tabloid newspaper magnate. As played by Roger Howarth, the character was the Joker of Llandview, PA (Didn't I just write that the town was set in New Jersey? Well, I guess Eternia took up so much space to build that all the people had to move to Pennsylvania, because the writer's have it set there, now). Always the first suspect in every crime (usually outwitting the slow-as-shit ne'er-do-well Commish, Bo Buchannon, and his comely wife Nora - the town DA) and represented by his ex-wife Tea Delgado (played like a Red Shoe Diaries character by Florencia Lozano, who often outsmarts everyone by talking down to them in a condescending manner : "Your honor, my client needed to have a time out because he did not get apple juice on his last play date.") When Howarth left, we had to endure his replacement, Trevor St. John, who played the character more like a cheap thug - you really felt like the writers needed to give up the ghost watching him play a character that had run out of mileage. Howarth came back, but they didn't want to lose St. John, so a contrived "Identical twins" twist was drunkenly pulled out someones posterior, and we've had to swallow that one for the last year or so, even after St. John left and his Todd (Victor Lord Jr.) was killed off by Howarth's Todd (ironically one of the few crimes he was actually guilty of).
I'm really leaving out a bunch of stuff, here. All the bad teen romances, the musical episodes ("We were more stoned pulling this crap out than we were when they came up with that Eternia thing.") , "Very Special Episodes" devoted to social issues that featured characters created by demand of social interest groups, and ... and... well, if it was really any good, it wouldn't be replaced by a show where a group of people with no last names tell you how to pick out clothes. Seriously, even divine intervention (Oprah) turned them down.
(for more information about the history of this cancelled TV show - I guess it's up to fan-fic now - consult Wikipedia by typing 'Tea Delgado', 'Todd Manning', 'Victoria Lord Reilly Buchannon Carpenter Davidson Balsam Buchannon', or 'One Life To Live')
UPDATE - March 27, 2012: I noticed the online web series plan fell apart and ABC has decided to take four OLTL characters and add them to the cast of "General Hospital" - John McBain, Todd Manning, Blair Manning (yeah, she married Todd again) and Starr Manning. It was the most graceful of transitions: A car carrying Starr, her daughter Hope and husband/boyfriend/baby-daddy (I forget if they got married at all) Cole Thornheart on their way to Port Charles was wrecked in a botched hit arranged by Sonny (Maurice Bernard), the mob boss with a cold heart of gold. Instant conflict! Plus, Instant trip to ... General Hospital - the place where gangsters go to get patched up. The soap used to be a sudser dealing with medical-type stuff, but that gave way to storylines involving spies, gangsters, noisy fist-shaking tycoons, Rick Springfield, Elizabeth Taylor cameos, weight-lifting aliens, Dancing With The Stars contestants and James Franco as James Franco. my big complaint about the show is the cost-cutting measure to use the dimmest lighting possible - it looks like my tv is about to go. Oh, and it feels like there are too many characters, too many models for the camera (some of the actresses here look alike and they're not playing twins). With the OLTL gang in place (hopefully Robin Strasser - Dorian Lord - won't be far behind), it's time for some serious spring cleaning. Oh, and brighter lights, please.
I often hear people use soap opera as an example of good storytelling in comics - "..the stories have enough of a soap opera-element to get the reader to want to ask ,'What happens next?'" Unfortunately, soap operas on television often belie this idea - they are the best examples of bad storytelling. Stories that have no plot last over a year, then extended if popular/unpopular because the writer has hit a dead end. Characters linger on past their sell-by date, bad teenage actors, weird plot connections, and worst of all, new characters are introduced either to pander to trends or further the current plot. One Life - set in an expanding working-class New Jersey town - has got it all - The Buchannon family were introduced to capitalize on the popularity of Dallas and never went back to Texas. A popular baby-switching storyline that featured Judith Light and Tommy Lee Jones (!) did not end until most of the principal characters had already left. Inner-city ghetto Angel Square and the Vega/Delgado families (Carlotta, Antonio, Christian and Tea) did not exist until the mid-90's. Before that, the show was mostly quaint New England coziness with looming skyscrapers thrown in. It was the middle-child among the ABC soaps, and , if you ask my Mom, the best years were 1993-1995, "...when they ended they story lines fast - on the next day, Joe! The next day!" Oh, and the years when Jill Larsen played Ursula - a loony who liked to flirt with other loonies by showing her talent at building homespun electric chairs. You really had to be there to see that one. Then there's Eternia - the show's nadir. A fortune (well, in TV talk it was a fortune) spent imagining a lost city built by more-alive-when-dead tycoon Victor Lord and had all the excitement of a Land Of The Lost marathon. Eternia...Eternia - why does that sound familiar? ;)
Then there's Todd Manning. Former gang-rape leader turned tabloid newspaper magnate. As played by Roger Howarth, the character was the Joker of Llandview, PA (Didn't I just write that the town was set in New Jersey? Well, I guess Eternia took up so much space to build that all the people had to move to Pennsylvania, because the writer's have it set there, now). Always the first suspect in every crime (usually outwitting the slow-as-shit ne'er-do-well Commish, Bo Buchannon, and his comely wife Nora - the town DA) and represented by his ex-wife Tea Delgado (played like a Red Shoe Diaries character by Florencia Lozano, who often outsmarts everyone by talking down to them in a condescending manner : "Your honor, my client needed to have a time out because he did not get apple juice on his last play date.") When Howarth left, we had to endure his replacement, Trevor St. John, who played the character more like a cheap thug - you really felt like the writers needed to give up the ghost watching him play a character that had run out of mileage. Howarth came back, but they didn't want to lose St. John, so a contrived "Identical twins" twist was drunkenly pulled out someones posterior, and we've had to swallow that one for the last year or so, even after St. John left and his Todd (Victor Lord Jr.) was killed off by Howarth's Todd (ironically one of the few crimes he was actually guilty of).
I'm really leaving out a bunch of stuff, here. All the bad teen romances, the musical episodes ("We were more stoned pulling this crap out than we were when they came up with that Eternia thing.") , "Very Special Episodes" devoted to social issues that featured characters created by demand of social interest groups, and ... and... well, if it was really any good, it wouldn't be replaced by a show where a group of people with no last names tell you how to pick out clothes. Seriously, even divine intervention (Oprah) turned them down.
(for more information about the history of this cancelled TV show - I guess it's up to fan-fic now - consult Wikipedia by typing 'Tea Delgado', 'Todd Manning', 'Victoria Lord Reilly Buchannon Carpenter Davidson Balsam Buchannon', or 'One Life To Live')
UPDATE - March 27, 2012: I noticed the online web series plan fell apart and ABC has decided to take four OLTL characters and add them to the cast of "General Hospital" - John McBain, Todd Manning, Blair Manning (yeah, she married Todd again) and Starr Manning. It was the most graceful of transitions: A car carrying Starr, her daughter Hope and husband/boyfriend/baby-daddy (I forget if they got married at all) Cole Thornheart on their way to Port Charles was wrecked in a botched hit arranged by Sonny (Maurice Bernard), the mob boss with a cold heart of gold. Instant conflict! Plus, Instant trip to ... General Hospital - the place where gangsters go to get patched up. The soap used to be a sudser dealing with medical-type stuff, but that gave way to storylines involving spies, gangsters, noisy fist-shaking tycoons, Rick Springfield, Elizabeth Taylor cameos, weight-lifting aliens, Dancing With The Stars contestants and James Franco as James Franco. my big complaint about the show is the cost-cutting measure to use the dimmest lighting possible - it looks like my tv is about to go. Oh, and it feels like there are too many characters, too many models for the camera (some of the actresses here look alike and they're not playing twins). With the OLTL gang in place (hopefully Robin Strasser - Dorian Lord - won't be far behind), it's time for some serious spring cleaning. Oh, and brighter lights, please.
Friday, December 16, 2011
A Comic Book Rehab Carol - Part 5
I felt something slithering across my feet - his cape! It had grown so long that it had flooded the floor like a red carpet - the corners of it crawled up and tied me up and lifted me off the floor and held me in the air, making direct eye contact with its host.
"Now, you will see what it feels like to be trapped in a world you never made!"
"Al?...go right ahead, but have you ever wondered why you never tried it before, or why you would need me to do it?"
He seemed to tilt his head just a bit, as if to pause and reflect on that question...it was hard to tell with that expressionless face what a brown study should look like.
"I don't have much time," he admitted, and held out his hand. An unusual rectangular object appeared out of thin air above his palm. It was his power chronometer - the eternal countdown/gauge that measured how much power he had spent, how much was left, and how much time he had left. It was unreadable to all but him. "There's so much I have not accomplished...so many things I should have done in the time I had and wasted...just wasted...marking time.
"I discovered a way to change my fate - by trading universes, I won't have to endure this shallow status quo. I will change."
"It won't work. Your plan is built on a false premise. You think you're all out of time, but that's what you've been made to think, so that you think you can't go anywhere because of this pathetic weakness, and as a result of this, you've ALL become Brand ecch."
"No!"
His cape released me, and I landed on my feet. "No, it's true. You're blaming the faithful readership, chasing after a phantom demographic all these years - one that does not respect you. This plan of yours won't work because your energy does not exist in our world - your stuff is always the stuff of dreams - constructs of someone else's imagination - we think, therefore, you are."
"I'm doomed." His cape seemed to shrink back to a more standard size, his glowing green eyes dimmed, his body began to hide within the folds of the red cloak.
"No, you're not. You'll be fine, I'll be fine. But you know what you have to do. You and all the other spirits go back to where you belong and start the change from there. Change happens from within. AND I'M GIVING YOU JUST 10 SECONDS! SO, COME ON! CHANGE!!"
The whole room went fuzzy... I started to black out...
To be concluded...
"Now, you will see what it feels like to be trapped in a world you never made!"
"Al?...go right ahead, but have you ever wondered why you never tried it before, or why you would need me to do it?"
He seemed to tilt his head just a bit, as if to pause and reflect on that question...it was hard to tell with that expressionless face what a brown study should look like.
"I don't have much time," he admitted, and held out his hand. An unusual rectangular object appeared out of thin air above his palm. It was his power chronometer - the eternal countdown/gauge that measured how much power he had spent, how much was left, and how much time he had left. It was unreadable to all but him. "There's so much I have not accomplished...so many things I should have done in the time I had and wasted...just wasted...marking time.
"I discovered a way to change my fate - by trading universes, I won't have to endure this shallow status quo. I will change."
"It won't work. Your plan is built on a false premise. You think you're all out of time, but that's what you've been made to think, so that you think you can't go anywhere because of this pathetic weakness, and as a result of this, you've ALL become Brand ecch."
"No!"
His cape released me, and I landed on my feet. "No, it's true. You're blaming the faithful readership, chasing after a phantom demographic all these years - one that does not respect you. This plan of yours won't work because your energy does not exist in our world - your stuff is always the stuff of dreams - constructs of someone else's imagination - we think, therefore, you are."
"I'm doomed." His cape seemed to shrink back to a more standard size, his glowing green eyes dimmed, his body began to hide within the folds of the red cloak.
"No, you're not. You'll be fine, I'll be fine. But you know what you have to do. You and all the other spirits go back to where you belong and start the change from there. Change happens from within. AND I'M GIVING YOU JUST 10 SECONDS! SO, COME ON! CHANGE!!"
The whole room went fuzzy... I started to black out...
To be concluded...
Monday, December 5, 2011
A Comic Book Rehab Carol - Pt. 1
It was a very unseasonably warm night in December. I had turned my home into a counting house - for counting comics. I was tweeting about how my doorbell looked like an old man wearing sunglasses. I was just about to tweet a joke about stoking the fireplace with an unread stack of Gen 13's and DV8's when I heard a clatter of chains and an eerie draft entered the livingroom. The draft had the smell of browned comic book pages and Old Spice...an apparition faded into view...
"A proton pack! A proton pack! My kingdom for a proton pack!," I howled.
"Face front and at ease, true believer."
I realized who I was looking at, or who the apparition had taken the form of - Stan. Stan "The Man". He was covered with mildewed patches labeled, "Pow", "Stan Lee Media", "The Governator", "Ravage 2009", "Stripperella", "Just Imagine", "NFL Superpro", "The 7th Portal", "Lightspeed", and "Mosaic".
"Do you remember how I looked when I was young and looked like Bea Arthur's husband on Maude?"
"Yes, I do. You know, if you were to watch that show and Jon Pertwee's Doctor Who back-to-back, you wouldn't know the difference."
"Hmmph...Odin will get you for that one, effendi."
"You think I'm hindu?"
"It's just an expression."
"Oh, sorry. Go right ahead."
"Do you remember when I presided over the wedding of Spider-Man and Mary Jane Watson at Shea Stadium and wished them a long and happy marriage?"
"Oh, yeah, sure - and when that marriage ended, you said that 'change is good' or something or other...who lives to keep track of quotes, anyway?"
"Silence!...Do you remember when I hosted Who Wants To Be A Superhero?"
"Yes,...all those poor, deluded, misguided fools..."
"That's enough! Listen - I'm here to warn you! You are doomed into wearing more patches than I! You may even end up as something much more horrendous - an Autopen!"
"What do you want me to do?"
"You will be visited tonight by three spirits. Listen to them, learn from them - or you may wind up trolling the halls of next year's Comic Con in ill-fitting karate gi and claiming to be a Jedi Knight."
"You can tear up my ticket right now."
"Oh, no, just wait...wait for them. Believe that, true believer. Believe that."
"Isn't there anything you could teach me?"
"Stay away from Brand Ecch. Excelsior!"
He faded away...
To be continued...
"A proton pack! A proton pack! My kingdom for a proton pack!," I howled.
"Face front and at ease, true believer."
I realized who I was looking at, or who the apparition had taken the form of - Stan. Stan "The Man". He was covered with mildewed patches labeled, "Pow", "Stan Lee Media", "The Governator", "Ravage 2009", "Stripperella", "Just Imagine", "NFL Superpro", "The 7th Portal", "Lightspeed", and "Mosaic".
"Do you remember how I looked when I was young and looked like Bea Arthur's husband on Maude?"
"Yes, I do. You know, if you were to watch that show and Jon Pertwee's Doctor Who back-to-back, you wouldn't know the difference."
"Hmmph...Odin will get you for that one, effendi."
"You think I'm hindu?"
"It's just an expression."
"Oh, sorry. Go right ahead."
"Do you remember when I presided over the wedding of Spider-Man and Mary Jane Watson at Shea Stadium and wished them a long and happy marriage?"
"Oh, yeah, sure - and when that marriage ended, you said that 'change is good' or something or other...who lives to keep track of quotes, anyway?"
"Silence!...Do you remember when I hosted Who Wants To Be A Superhero?"
"Yes,...all those poor, deluded, misguided fools..."
"That's enough! Listen - I'm here to warn you! You are doomed into wearing more patches than I! You may even end up as something much more horrendous - an Autopen!"
"What do you want me to do?"
"You will be visited tonight by three spirits. Listen to them, learn from them - or you may wind up trolling the halls of next year's Comic Con in ill-fitting karate gi and claiming to be a Jedi Knight."
"You can tear up my ticket right now."
"Oh, no, just wait...wait for them. Believe that, true believer. Believe that."
"Isn't there anything you could teach me?"
"Stay away from Brand Ecch. Excelsior!"
He faded away...
To be continued...
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