"Page 36/TRUMP 8 Panel 2. The Battle of Marathon (490 B.C.E) was a major victory for the Smurfs over the forces of Gargamel, and prevented him from conquering Oz and Wonderland."
- Jess Nevins, Annotations to The Black Dossier
There you have it. Solid evidence that Jess Nevins has gone mad from making sense out of Alan Moore and Kevin O'Neill's League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. For the past decade, Jess has become the universal translator for every minute reference hidden in the panels and text of each installment of the series, and that reference/footnote in particular makes no sense whatsoever, yet it's on his webpage!
Anyway, I have to say I fell back in love with the League after a trial separation. When I picked up that premiere issue of the series back in the Fall of 1998, I really thought Sherlock Holmes was going to be in it. They have Mycroft in it, Professor Moriarty, Colonel Moran and a reenactment of the showdown in "The Final Problem"...there's even a couple of references to Mina Murray visiting Sherlock during his retirement, when he became a beekeeper (there are also hints that she might have found him very interesting or very dull, depending on what the postcards offered in The Black Dossier would have you believe - I suspect it's the former). Aside from these... bon-bonbonbons, I've seen little else.
There is proof that I'm not the only fan who was starving for some Sherlock-schlock - for a time, Moore had to answer over and over that Captain Nemo was NOT Sherlock Holmes in disguise. I didn't even think of that one! Anyway, something about volume 2 of the series - the second arc, which adapted H.G. Well's War of The Worlds within the context of the LOEG (or LXG, if you saw the movie with Sean Connery - Alan didn't, so be of good cheer if you didn't either) - it featured a made-up almanac that mapped-out the shape of the LOEG/LXG universe, even featuring nods to things that Alan and Kevin might never get around to, like Doctor Dolittle's post office, a young Auric Goldfinger searching for the lost city of El Dorado, The Hardy Boys, Zorro, Conan and Pogo - stuff like that. It also featured key continuity points, like introducing Orlando, Raffles and the Frankenstein monster as the royal consort to the queen of Toyland...stuff , like Mina and Allan Quatermain visiting the ruins of Dracula's castle and stuff like Allan's rejuvenation in Uganda. It bugged me that that was stuffed in that stuffy almanac. Obviously, they're being careful not to trip over copyright, but it made me feel as though the main arc of each mini-series was lacking...or just wasn't my cup of tea...or maybe I was just still stinging from not seeing Sherlock play a bigger role in it...or all of the above.
Of course, that's the genesis of that "Sherlock Edition" I posted a few weeks back. I had put together a reading list of pastiches - some good, some not so good, all worth a glance - offering a parallel timeline that explains his absence. I recall Roger Ebert, in his review of Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows, remarking that Holmes was too quirky to mix well with James Bond-style shenanigans, but that never stopped anyone before... proper spy/sci-fi stories with Holmes would be things like "The Lion's Mane", "The Devil's Foot" and "His Last Bow" - all written by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, of course. It's tempting to imagine the LXG/LOEG Sherlock sitting in a corner, playing his violin/puffing on his pipe/shooting up coke/leering at Irene Adler photos/whatever, playing armchair sleuth while Allan, Nemo and Mina do all the legwork, because he would feel his dignity compromised by engaging directly in that sort of thing, following them discreetly in disguise as nondescript beggars, crippled limping booksellers, clergymen, old dowagers, etc... just in case they need someone to bail them out - they usually did. Or imagine an ancient octogenarian Sherlock, kept alive through some deus ex machina (royal bee jelly?) to join a new incarnation of the league in the upcoming 2011 installment - yes, the opening of the next big arc is set to take place in 2011.
So I delayed from getting the Black Dossier, a compilation/sourcebook of sorts, often mistaken as volume 3, because it does feature a new adventure as a wraparound (not unlike those Looney Tunes movies from the 1980s that mixed old and new footage), but got it anyway when the price was right. It was a discounted hardcover copy, still in it's shrinkwrap, with the variant "Mina in bed" cover. I didn't know if I would like it - it's considered the one that draws the line - the one where fans either got off the train or stayed on for the rest of the ride. I liked it. I still have problems with Moore's prose work - it's so exact in it's execution that it's not engaging to people who are not fans of the various writing styles he's approximating. But I don't hate any of it. I realize I won't be buying a copy of Fanny Hill or P.G. Wodehouse's books any time soon, but I doubt John Cleland ever imagined Fanny being chased by a giant erect penis while running inside a giant vagina (you really have to read this thing to believe it - you can understand why DC Comics was increasingly unnerved by it and eventually turned chicken), nor do I think James Bond was the nasty guy Moore believes he was, or whom Ian Fleming meant for him to be, or that Jack Kerouac meant for Dr. Sax to be the grandson of Fu Manchu and Dean Moriarty the Professor's descendant (but then again, who can tell when reading Beat "literature"?). I'm not too crazy about the Golliwog (I don't really understand a word he says), but I like Orlando and have taken a liking to Mina and Allan - Next to Batgirl and Spider-Woman, Mina Murray is in my top 5 of cool female comic book characters. That fact that we have seen her nude often is merely coincidental.
I'm surprised he didn't add Paddington Bear into the soup. He's been around since the late 50's. The dolls/toyline, by the way, were launched by the parents of Jeremy Clarkson! I'm surprised there wasn't a Top Gear reference in the current Century:2009 (more on that below).
I was patient when it came to following Century, the recent 3-part arc that launched Moore's new publishing relationship with Top Shelf (it happens that LOEG is the only property from the ABC lineup that Moore and O'Neill owned and can take anywhere - due to the contract signed in negotiations for the LXG feature film - it's much more clear than the contract they signed for the Watchmen comic book, obviously; this is what the outcome should have been for that property). Timing is everything. It took about four years for this arc to end - my interest came back when it was announced that the final chapter would be set in 2009. So I got the first two installments a few months ago and brought part 3 last week.
I was not disappointed. The 2009 chapter is, in my opinion, the best installment of the series. You may not have read it yet and heard all the hype (that Moore and O'Neil skewer J.K Rowling) but the big shock is...they really don't. The Harry Potter books are high-profile, but part of an even larger target - the lack of originality and banality in pop culture. Watered-down remakes, revamps, adaptations, ripoffs, retreads...this one seems a bit more personal than what came before - certainly not a book you would have ever seen with the DC logo, or their front, the ABC star that was used for all of Moore's comics. I'm not going to give away a thing, here - if you're not buying any comics this year, reconsider and check this one out and only this one. Yes, you'll still need Jess Nivens' annotations to help spot all the in-jokes and nods, but they're not as myopic or obscure as before. The thesis here is that our fiction parallels fact - the ups and downs, everything.
One last thing - upon reading this comic (and the issues before it, including The Black Dossier), one can't help but notice that Moore and O'Neill are offering something new to mainstream comics - No, not the fact that their stories have influenced the last decade of superhero team comic books, but something that is very obvious and yet, not so obvious...weiners. Graphic depictions and usage of the devil's trumpet. Usually, superhero comics focus on "Good Girl Art"/cheesecake/Boobs, but here in the LOEG, you'll probably see more raw sausage (in their natural casings) then in Magic Mike (according to Sara Underwood, this film about male strippers only offers a glimpse of one "dawg" - in a pump...I have no interest whatsoever in confirming this). Aside from the Gargantua and Pantagruel sex scene/chase I described above, most of the weenies are of average size - thankfully none were shown in the 3D sections offered in the Dossier - we would've sued for damages to our eyes.
I see Joey Chestnut won the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest again this year...
Showing posts with label Market. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Market. Show all posts
Friday, July 6, 2012
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Pinketty, Panketty, Poof!
It's not unusual to find issues of Wizard: The Comics Magazine in the half-dollar/dollar bins. On two occasions I've found issues that were still in their original bag - the first "special"/annual and an issue from 1998, which was opened, but still had a free chromium trading card that it offered - a picture of She-Hulk and Fairchild (Gen13)drawn by Jason Pearson.
Last week, some collector let go of his/her collection and the bulk of it was tossed into the half-dollar boxes at this particular store in NYC ("No names?" Yes, no names) and there were a bunch of Wizards from the magazine's heyday in the 1990's. The magazine had been around since 1992. The title is a holdover (or hangover) from the original concept: a mascot named Poof the Wizard, who would appear on the cover of every issue. When Gareb Shamus, the magazine's founder, learned that his cronies had suggested that name to have a laugh (Poof is slang for homosexual in the U.K. and Australia), the little cartoon wizard lost his chance at the spotlight, but the title of the magazine and 1st issue cover and copy had already been set and "proofed"! The solution? For the first few years, the cover of Wizard would show a comic book character holding a purple flag or cloth with white stars on it. Anyone picking up a copy expecting fantasy role-playing game tips was no doubt confused.
I recall Warren Ellis once remarked in his old column at Comic Book Resources (a website I am not affiliated with, though we have the same initials and I do lurk around on their message board as Joenosleep) that if you're on the Internet, you don't need to read Wizard. If you do, that means you're picking it up for the price guide. I would like to argue that there was a time when this was not so - between 1998-2001, Wizard was actually witty and informative. This might have to do with the fact that the "collector's bubble" had burst - huge print runs of comics published in the early 90's became worthless clutter as the publishers either blew deadlines or churned out bad comics. There were a lot of comics published by wannabes, could-have-beens and neverweres - all "Buy Me! This book is Hot!" and Wizard and Comic Buyers Guide and Hero Illustrated were the cheerleaders, rallying for these losers. Hot comics were hot not because the stories were good, but because they anticipated an event, or came bagged with a free trading card or had a shiny cover and the demand for this junk was considered hot. Ren and Stimpy #1 came bagged with an "Air Fouler" (air freshener-get it?) of either Ren or Stimpy - instead of packing both, you had to buy two copies - and guess what? Ren was harder to find! People cared about that!
And then it was over. The little guys weren't making money - just filling up their homes. Comic Shops went out of business - except for the worst ones, where the boss owns the building and can afford to run the store as he pleases, or shops that changed their name and appear to be "under new management", until you spot the old owner in the back of the shop.Wizard was last man standing when the bubble went "poof".
Anyway, I picked up Wizard #80, from 1998. The cover had the Hulk fighting Wolverine (one of the silliest recurring brawls in comics - the equivalent of watching a chess match with just two Kings standing on the board). The cover story was a countdown of the nastiest brawlers in superhero comics. Some of the pages had been torn from this section, so I assumed Wolverine was #1, while Azrael, Orion, Hulk made appearances. Azrael...the thinking man's Ghost Rider. Or Spawn. Or Death Scooter...
Oh, and once upon a time... Kevin Smith was cool! That's right! Before he became too fat to fly in a passenger jet, he was just the guy who made "Clerks", "Mallrats", "Chasing Amy" and the soon-to-be-released "Dogma", of which all anyone remembers is that it had Salma Hayek doing a pole dance (she did that a lot in her early movies - hmm, maybe Freida would've won her Oscar gold if it had a pole dance on museum scaffold). He had gotten attention for writing a rejected script for what eventually became Superman Returns, a film which became a cautionary tale in Hollywood for what happens when too many executives become too many cooks. The interview featured in this mag seemed to portray him as being on the rebound, hinting at his upcoming work relaunching the Daredevil comic book with Joe Quesada and Jimmy Palmiotti (Who knew this assignment was going to change the next decade of superhero comics? It seems so long ago..) and his work on Green Arrow (which landed with a thud, but it brought Oliver Queen back from old fart heaven, so go figure), and most interesting, but maddeningly - I wish this was something he had done - a film based on The Question. When asked which characters he would like to direct a film about, he suggested this character and mentioned Dennis O'Neil's comic book series, that Hub City was like Sin City - fascinating. Can you imagine adding the Huntress to that mix? I hope the years of donuts and cannibus haven't wiped this idea out of his brain, because it's very good. He also gives Batman Forever a good poke in the ribs - "..that scene where he's like "I quit, Alfred. Batman no more. I'm like, 'Are you high?' Batman's desire for justice would never allow him to do this." And he plugs his N.J. comic book store - this was actually an ordinary shop; the Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash shop came almost a year later.
There were features I liked and missed when they were taken away - "Report Card"/"The Skinny", "We Read It For You", "Good Reading", "Thumbing Off", "Famous Firsts" and, in time for April Fool's Day - "Bad Readin'", "Famous Worsts" "Top 10 Comics" - all dedicated to reviewing comics and letting us know if any of this stuff was good.
When did this renaissance end? Around the same time the X-Men and Spider-Man films began production. Joe Quesada and Bill Jemas were running Marvel and using a lot of gimmicks to plant their feet. DC had Jeph Loeb and Joe Kelly boasting about their Superman comics, Bob Schreck was running the Batman comics with big stunts, like "Bruce Wayne: Murderer". J. Michael Strazincski was writing the adventures of a character that he wanted us to believe was Spider-Man - anyone who disagreed needed to "...get out of their parents basements." Joss Wheddon was getting his pop culture crown fitted. Grant Morrison slipped on the pop culture banana peel and achieved his own nirvana. Alan Moore became a wizard himself. Neil Gaiman and Todd MacFarlane butted heads over old comics. Leggo my ego, it was time to throw down.
And then there was ... boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom ... a giant monolith appeared from out of the sky ... BENDIS! Seriously, on his message board, Brian Michael Bendis would sign his posts like that. Oh, but he was cool at that time, too. Now he just looks like Kristin Davis' hubby on Sex and The City
So, if you perchance see any dusty issues of Wizard lying in a half-dollar bin somewhere, from 1998-2000, please don't laugh - those are actually my cup of tea. 
Last week, some collector let go of his/her collection and the bulk of it was tossed into the half-dollar boxes at this particular store in NYC ("No names?" Yes, no names) and there were a bunch of Wizards from the magazine's heyday in the 1990's. The magazine had been around since 1992. The title is a holdover (or hangover) from the original concept: a mascot named Poof the Wizard, who would appear on the cover of every issue. When Gareb Shamus, the magazine's founder, learned that his cronies had suggested that name to have a laugh (Poof is slang for homosexual in the U.K. and Australia), the little cartoon wizard lost his chance at the spotlight, but the title of the magazine and 1st issue cover and copy had already been set and "proofed"! The solution? For the first few years, the cover of Wizard would show a comic book character holding a purple flag or cloth with white stars on it. Anyone picking up a copy expecting fantasy role-playing game tips was no doubt confused.
I recall Warren Ellis once remarked in his old column at Comic Book Resources (a website I am not affiliated with, though we have the same initials and I do lurk around on their message board as Joenosleep) that if you're on the Internet, you don't need to read Wizard. If you do, that means you're picking it up for the price guide. I would like to argue that there was a time when this was not so - between 1998-2001, Wizard was actually witty and informative. This might have to do with the fact that the "collector's bubble" had burst - huge print runs of comics published in the early 90's became worthless clutter as the publishers either blew deadlines or churned out bad comics. There were a lot of comics published by wannabes, could-have-beens and neverweres - all "Buy Me! This book is Hot!" and Wizard and Comic Buyers Guide and Hero Illustrated were the cheerleaders, rallying for these losers. Hot comics were hot not because the stories were good, but because they anticipated an event, or came bagged with a free trading card or had a shiny cover and the demand for this junk was considered hot. Ren and Stimpy #1 came bagged with an "Air Fouler" (air freshener-get it?) of either Ren or Stimpy - instead of packing both, you had to buy two copies - and guess what? Ren was harder to find! People cared about that!
And then it was over. The little guys weren't making money - just filling up their homes. Comic Shops went out of business - except for the worst ones, where the boss owns the building and can afford to run the store as he pleases, or shops that changed their name and appear to be "under new management", until you spot the old owner in the back of the shop.Wizard was last man standing when the bubble went "poof".
Anyway, I picked up Wizard #80, from 1998. The cover had the Hulk fighting Wolverine (one of the silliest recurring brawls in comics - the equivalent of watching a chess match with just two Kings standing on the board). The cover story was a countdown of the nastiest brawlers in superhero comics. Some of the pages had been torn from this section, so I assumed Wolverine was #1, while Azrael, Orion, Hulk made appearances. Azrael...the thinking man's Ghost Rider. Or Spawn. Or Death Scooter...
Oh, and once upon a time... Kevin Smith was cool! That's right! Before he became too fat to fly in a passenger jet, he was just the guy who made "Clerks", "Mallrats", "Chasing Amy" and the soon-to-be-released "Dogma", of which all anyone remembers is that it had Salma Hayek doing a pole dance (she did that a lot in her early movies - hmm, maybe Freida would've won her Oscar gold if it had a pole dance on museum scaffold). He had gotten attention for writing a rejected script for what eventually became Superman Returns, a film which became a cautionary tale in Hollywood for what happens when too many executives become too many cooks. The interview featured in this mag seemed to portray him as being on the rebound, hinting at his upcoming work relaunching the Daredevil comic book with Joe Quesada and Jimmy Palmiotti (Who knew this assignment was going to change the next decade of superhero comics? It seems so long ago..) and his work on Green Arrow (which landed with a thud, but it brought Oliver Queen back from old fart heaven, so go figure), and most interesting, but maddeningly - I wish this was something he had done - a film based on The Question. When asked which characters he would like to direct a film about, he suggested this character and mentioned Dennis O'Neil's comic book series, that Hub City was like Sin City - fascinating. Can you imagine adding the Huntress to that mix? I hope the years of donuts and cannibus haven't wiped this idea out of his brain, because it's very good. He also gives Batman Forever a good poke in the ribs - "..that scene where he's like "I quit, Alfred. Batman no more. I'm like, 'Are you high?' Batman's desire for justice would never allow him to do this." And he plugs his N.J. comic book store - this was actually an ordinary shop; the Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash shop came almost a year later.
There were features I liked and missed when they were taken away - "Report Card"/"The Skinny", "We Read It For You", "Good Reading", "Thumbing Off", "Famous Firsts" and, in time for April Fool's Day - "Bad Readin'", "Famous Worsts" "Top 10 Comics" - all dedicated to reviewing comics and letting us know if any of this stuff was good.
When did this renaissance end? Around the same time the X-Men and Spider-Man films began production. Joe Quesada and Bill Jemas were running Marvel and using a lot of gimmicks to plant their feet. DC had Jeph Loeb and Joe Kelly boasting about their Superman comics, Bob Schreck was running the Batman comics with big stunts, like "Bruce Wayne: Murderer". J. Michael Strazincski was writing the adventures of a character that he wanted us to believe was Spider-Man - anyone who disagreed needed to "...get out of their parents basements." Joss Wheddon was getting his pop culture crown fitted. Grant Morrison slipped on the pop culture banana peel and achieved his own nirvana. Alan Moore became a wizard himself. Neil Gaiman and Todd MacFarlane butted heads over old comics. Leggo my ego, it was time to throw down.
And then there was ... boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom ... a giant monolith appeared from out of the sky ... BENDIS! Seriously, on his message board, Brian Michael Bendis would sign his posts like that. Oh, but he was cool at that time, too. Now he just looks like Kristin Davis' hubby on Sex and The City
So, if you perchance see any dusty issues of Wizard lying in a half-dollar bin somewhere, from 1998-2000, please don't laugh - those are actually my cup of tea.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
The Fever is Coming Back...
Every fan gets it - certainly a true comic book fan. I'm not talking about those two-arm,two-leg, "I'll-just-buy-one-issue-or-two-and-that's-my-collection" phonies or the "Oh,-these-comics-are-not-in-good-condition.-The-price-is-good-and-the-books-are-hard-to-find,-but-I'll-pass" and "This-shop-is-just-too-out-of-my-way-for-me-to-come-in-every-week" or "This-shopkeeper-is-racist!-I'm-never-coming-back!" pretenders. Feh!
Comic books are like potato chips or gummy bears - you can never have just one. There's a reason why a serving of gummies is 15 bears. On the other hand, you can eat just one bon-bon - especially if it's that bitter, gooey, dark chocolate/caramel hybrid that leaves a bad taste in your mouth. Have you ever seen anyone eat two of those back-to-back? Outrageous!
Remember the days of "self-contained" stories? If not, you're young (and I didn't know young people bought comics - I just assumed you waited for your Mother to force Dad to get rid of his collection or wait for Gramps to kick the bucket. This is strictly an adult hobby - did you not see all the old people walking around the shop?). A self-contained comic was simply a story that was complete in one issue - you need not fear finding out if Batman succumbs to bumping off the Joker in part 2, because there was no part 2. Of course, nowadays we would buy part 2 to see if he does kill the clown, knowing that if he did, we'd be up to our armpits in ninja gangster stories - this will never happen...oh, wait, they do that anyway. Today, a self-contained issue is a "launching point" or a "key issue" for a new storyline - a point-of-entry for "new" readers who want to know where they can hop abroad the moving train. These issues tend to be a bit threadbare in plot and story - usually a thrown-together mash-up of stock activity (Batman taking down gang members, Captain America riding his motorcycle and throwing his shield, The X-Men having a picnic or playing baseball, Savage Dragon getting a recap of what went on before while he was out, Spider-Man chasing car thieves) and then two-three pages of set-up for a new storyline (never a story-just a storyline) where some sign of dread appears - maybe a character watching from the shadows or some poor fool getting killed. "Not the end...check next month's issue and read this Wednesday's Comics and Stories #508 for another angle and read Death Scooter #267 to see Wendell check out the action alone!"
But wait a minute - if you're a lowest common denominator, hardcore comic book fan, you're not going to sit and wait for four weeks for the story to continue, you'll want to check out what happened last month and the month before that (in the case of Transformers comics, you'll be checking on the last two publishers that had the character license). That means you're at the mercy of the back issue aisle - a wretched hive of scum and villainy if there never was one. Here, you can expect to be charged a tax on used, dog-eared periodicals, or - even sneakier - a tax on last month's issue, which may not have been bagged or boarded, but left sitting next to the current issue on the stacks. Here, you can thumb through a stack of old books and wish for hand sanitizer after gazing at your fingertips caked with dirt. Here, you can stare at dead bugs trapped in Mylar. Here, you can sweat through your clothes like a pizza slice in a paper bag when you realize the shopkeeper shut off the air conditioner so that you'd run out of there. Ha! As if that will work!
Wait a minute...those tricks do work. They do make anyone with half a brain turn around and say "Never again..." They do lose new customers and new readers who developed a genuine interest in comics but can only go as far as waiting for the next issue and ignore the recent past. Who can wait for next issue when it takes over a year for a storyline to resolve itself and the price of a new issue keeps going up beyond casual spending. The fever goes away...
The fever never leaves the die hards, though, especially the ones with Debit and Credit in hand. Yes, yes, even in the days of Cap'n Credit Crunch and Fannie Big Mac/whatever, you'll still see people spend $30/$40 dollars a week on comics. These die-hards won't pause when the total rings up an additional 8.25/god knows what % sales tax that makes no sense (even less sense when the clerk explains that it's because "It's an old comic" - wtf ?).
That is why a "jumping-on point" comic is not just a beginning - it's an ending. Yes, the first dose might even be "Free" (right, Free Comic Book Day?), but the next dose is always hardest to take. Once you've got the fever, the prescription is a trip out of the store, or a four-color cocktail of last month's, last year's, next month's, or tie-in issues. Down the hatch. Never say "when". Oh, and never think about whether the stuff is any good - generic comics are never a steal. Yes, some places do tax issues from the quarter/half-dollar bins.
Happy Wednesday.
Comic books are like potato chips or gummy bears - you can never have just one. There's a reason why a serving of gummies is 15 bears. On the other hand, you can eat just one bon-bon - especially if it's that bitter, gooey, dark chocolate/caramel hybrid that leaves a bad taste in your mouth. Have you ever seen anyone eat two of those back-to-back? Outrageous!
Remember the days of "self-contained" stories? If not, you're young (and I didn't know young people bought comics - I just assumed you waited for your Mother to force Dad to get rid of his collection or wait for Gramps to kick the bucket. This is strictly an adult hobby - did you not see all the old people walking around the shop?). A self-contained comic was simply a story that was complete in one issue - you need not fear finding out if Batman succumbs to bumping off the Joker in part 2, because there was no part 2. Of course, nowadays we would buy part 2 to see if he does kill the clown, knowing that if he did, we'd be up to our armpits in ninja gangster stories - this will never happen...oh, wait, they do that anyway. Today, a self-contained issue is a "launching point" or a "key issue" for a new storyline - a point-of-entry for "new" readers who want to know where they can hop abroad the moving train. These issues tend to be a bit threadbare in plot and story - usually a thrown-together mash-up of stock activity (Batman taking down gang members, Captain America riding his motorcycle and throwing his shield, The X-Men having a picnic or playing baseball, Savage Dragon getting a recap of what went on before while he was out, Spider-Man chasing car thieves) and then two-three pages of set-up for a new storyline (never a story-just a storyline) where some sign of dread appears - maybe a character watching from the shadows or some poor fool getting killed. "Not the end...check next month's issue and read this Wednesday's Comics and Stories #508 for another angle and read Death Scooter #267 to see Wendell check out the action alone!"
But wait a minute - if you're a lowest common denominator, hardcore comic book fan, you're not going to sit and wait for four weeks for the story to continue, you'll want to check out what happened last month and the month before that (in the case of Transformers comics, you'll be checking on the last two publishers that had the character license). That means you're at the mercy of the back issue aisle - a wretched hive of scum and villainy if there never was one. Here, you can expect to be charged a tax on used, dog-eared periodicals, or - even sneakier - a tax on last month's issue, which may not have been bagged or boarded, but left sitting next to the current issue on the stacks. Here, you can thumb through a stack of old books and wish for hand sanitizer after gazing at your fingertips caked with dirt. Here, you can stare at dead bugs trapped in Mylar. Here, you can sweat through your clothes like a pizza slice in a paper bag when you realize the shopkeeper shut off the air conditioner so that you'd run out of there. Ha! As if that will work!
Wait a minute...those tricks do work. They do make anyone with half a brain turn around and say "Never again..." They do lose new customers and new readers who developed a genuine interest in comics but can only go as far as waiting for the next issue and ignore the recent past. Who can wait for next issue when it takes over a year for a storyline to resolve itself and the price of a new issue keeps going up beyond casual spending. The fever goes away...
The fever never leaves the die hards, though, especially the ones with Debit and Credit in hand. Yes, yes, even in the days of Cap'n Credit Crunch and Fannie Big Mac/whatever, you'll still see people spend $30/$40 dollars a week on comics. These die-hards won't pause when the total rings up an additional 8.25/god knows what % sales tax that makes no sense (even less sense when the clerk explains that it's because "It's an old comic" - wtf ?).
That is why a "jumping-on point" comic is not just a beginning - it's an ending. Yes, the first dose might even be "Free" (right, Free Comic Book Day?), but the next dose is always hardest to take. Once you've got the fever, the prescription is a trip out of the store, or a four-color cocktail of last month's, last year's, next month's, or tie-in issues. Down the hatch. Never say "when". Oh, and never think about whether the stuff is any good - generic comics are never a steal. Yes, some places do tax issues from the quarter/half-dollar bins.
Happy Wednesday.
Monday, December 19, 2011
A Comic Book Rehab Carol - Part 6
"Change..."
A draft made the window blind slam the window with such a clatter, I had awakened to see what was the matter. I had slept on the couch, fully-clothed and with cap, as if I had not taken a long winters nap.
I opened the window and shouted out into the streets, "What day is this?"
An old woman walking her toy dog replied, "huh?"
Never mind, I thought, returning to my couch. I found the remote, turned on the tv, searched the program guide, and what did I see?
December 23.
I had not missed it! Well, actually, I missed the 21st, which was the day the new books arrived at the comic shop, but that means I had not missed the 28th! There was time! Time to check for holiday sales and new comics, if any! And I will be looking forward to it this time! For this time, I know the spirits will have a surprise in store for me...
You see, that night I spent was not a mere fool's errand - I had made the universe of comics and the comic book marketplace a BETTER place. The spirits took stock of the error in their ways and change would trickle down from within.
And then they will come back. Not today right away, but in the days, months and years ahead, a new joy will be found in the now-happy medium, one built on solid entertainment, honesty, and care.
And Big Boobs, of course.
And as I joined the grinning old man wearing enormous sunglasses in riding with him in his Ferrari to enjoy the fine Burbank sunset that day, we shouted,
"Merry Christmas to all! Excelsior everyone!"
THE END
A draft made the window blind slam the window with such a clatter, I had awakened to see what was the matter. I had slept on the couch, fully-clothed and with cap, as if I had not taken a long winters nap.
I opened the window and shouted out into the streets, "What day is this?"
An old woman walking her toy dog replied, "huh?"
Never mind, I thought, returning to my couch. I found the remote, turned on the tv, searched the program guide, and what did I see?
December 23.
I had not missed it! Well, actually, I missed the 21st, which was the day the new books arrived at the comic shop, but that means I had not missed the 28th! There was time! Time to check for holiday sales and new comics, if any! And I will be looking forward to it this time! For this time, I know the spirits will have a surprise in store for me...
You see, that night I spent was not a mere fool's errand - I had made the universe of comics and the comic book marketplace a BETTER place. The spirits took stock of the error in their ways and change would trickle down from within.
And then they will come back. Not today right away, but in the days, months and years ahead, a new joy will be found in the now-happy medium, one built on solid entertainment, honesty, and care.
And Big Boobs, of course.
And as I joined the grinning old man wearing enormous sunglasses in riding with him in his Ferrari to enjoy the fine Burbank sunset that day, we shouted,
"Merry Christmas to all! Excelsior everyone!"
THE END
Friday, December 16, 2011
A Comic Book Rehab Carol - Part 5
I felt something slithering across my feet - his cape! It had grown so long that it had flooded the floor like a red carpet - the corners of it crawled up and tied me up and lifted me off the floor and held me in the air, making direct eye contact with its host.
"Now, you will see what it feels like to be trapped in a world you never made!"
"Al?...go right ahead, but have you ever wondered why you never tried it before, or why you would need me to do it?"
He seemed to tilt his head just a bit, as if to pause and reflect on that question...it was hard to tell with that expressionless face what a brown study should look like.
"I don't have much time," he admitted, and held out his hand. An unusual rectangular object appeared out of thin air above his palm. It was his power chronometer - the eternal countdown/gauge that measured how much power he had spent, how much was left, and how much time he had left. It was unreadable to all but him. "There's so much I have not accomplished...so many things I should have done in the time I had and wasted...just wasted...marking time.
"I discovered a way to change my fate - by trading universes, I won't have to endure this shallow status quo. I will change."
"It won't work. Your plan is built on a false premise. You think you're all out of time, but that's what you've been made to think, so that you think you can't go anywhere because of this pathetic weakness, and as a result of this, you've ALL become Brand ecch."
"No!"
His cape released me, and I landed on my feet. "No, it's true. You're blaming the faithful readership, chasing after a phantom demographic all these years - one that does not respect you. This plan of yours won't work because your energy does not exist in our world - your stuff is always the stuff of dreams - constructs of someone else's imagination - we think, therefore, you are."
"I'm doomed." His cape seemed to shrink back to a more standard size, his glowing green eyes dimmed, his body began to hide within the folds of the red cloak.
"No, you're not. You'll be fine, I'll be fine. But you know what you have to do. You and all the other spirits go back to where you belong and start the change from there. Change happens from within. AND I'M GIVING YOU JUST 10 SECONDS! SO, COME ON! CHANGE!!"
The whole room went fuzzy... I started to black out...
To be concluded...
"Now, you will see what it feels like to be trapped in a world you never made!"
"Al?...go right ahead, but have you ever wondered why you never tried it before, or why you would need me to do it?"
He seemed to tilt his head just a bit, as if to pause and reflect on that question...it was hard to tell with that expressionless face what a brown study should look like.
"I don't have much time," he admitted, and held out his hand. An unusual rectangular object appeared out of thin air above his palm. It was his power chronometer - the eternal countdown/gauge that measured how much power he had spent, how much was left, and how much time he had left. It was unreadable to all but him. "There's so much I have not accomplished...so many things I should have done in the time I had and wasted...just wasted...marking time.
"I discovered a way to change my fate - by trading universes, I won't have to endure this shallow status quo. I will change."
"It won't work. Your plan is built on a false premise. You think you're all out of time, but that's what you've been made to think, so that you think you can't go anywhere because of this pathetic weakness, and as a result of this, you've ALL become Brand ecch."
"No!"
His cape released me, and I landed on my feet. "No, it's true. You're blaming the faithful readership, chasing after a phantom demographic all these years - one that does not respect you. This plan of yours won't work because your energy does not exist in our world - your stuff is always the stuff of dreams - constructs of someone else's imagination - we think, therefore, you are."
"I'm doomed." His cape seemed to shrink back to a more standard size, his glowing green eyes dimmed, his body began to hide within the folds of the red cloak.
"No, you're not. You'll be fine, I'll be fine. But you know what you have to do. You and all the other spirits go back to where you belong and start the change from there. Change happens from within. AND I'M GIVING YOU JUST 10 SECONDS! SO, COME ON! CHANGE!!"
The whole room went fuzzy... I started to black out...
To be concluded...
Monday, December 5, 2011
A Comic Book Rehab Carol - Pt. 1
It was a very unseasonably warm night in December. I had turned my home into a counting house - for counting comics. I was tweeting about how my doorbell looked like an old man wearing sunglasses. I was just about to tweet a joke about stoking the fireplace with an unread stack of Gen 13's and DV8's when I heard a clatter of chains and an eerie draft entered the livingroom. The draft had the smell of browned comic book pages and Old Spice...an apparition faded into view...
"A proton pack! A proton pack! My kingdom for a proton pack!," I howled.
"Face front and at ease, true believer."
I realized who I was looking at, or who the apparition had taken the form of - Stan. Stan "The Man". He was covered with mildewed patches labeled, "Pow", "Stan Lee Media", "The Governator", "Ravage 2009", "Stripperella", "Just Imagine", "NFL Superpro", "The 7th Portal", "Lightspeed", and "Mosaic".
"Do you remember how I looked when I was young and looked like Bea Arthur's husband on Maude?"
"Yes, I do. You know, if you were to watch that show and Jon Pertwee's Doctor Who back-to-back, you wouldn't know the difference."
"Hmmph...Odin will get you for that one, effendi."
"You think I'm hindu?"
"It's just an expression."
"Oh, sorry. Go right ahead."
"Do you remember when I presided over the wedding of Spider-Man and Mary Jane Watson at Shea Stadium and wished them a long and happy marriage?"
"Oh, yeah, sure - and when that marriage ended, you said that 'change is good' or something or other...who lives to keep track of quotes, anyway?"
"Silence!...Do you remember when I hosted Who Wants To Be A Superhero?"
"Yes,...all those poor, deluded, misguided fools..."
"That's enough! Listen - I'm here to warn you! You are doomed into wearing more patches than I! You may even end up as something much more horrendous - an Autopen!"
"What do you want me to do?"
"You will be visited tonight by three spirits. Listen to them, learn from them - or you may wind up trolling the halls of next year's Comic Con in ill-fitting karate gi and claiming to be a Jedi Knight."
"You can tear up my ticket right now."
"Oh, no, just wait...wait for them. Believe that, true believer. Believe that."
"Isn't there anything you could teach me?"
"Stay away from Brand Ecch. Excelsior!"
He faded away...
To be continued...
"A proton pack! A proton pack! My kingdom for a proton pack!," I howled.
"Face front and at ease, true believer."
I realized who I was looking at, or who the apparition had taken the form of - Stan. Stan "The Man". He was covered with mildewed patches labeled, "Pow", "Stan Lee Media", "The Governator", "Ravage 2009", "Stripperella", "Just Imagine", "NFL Superpro", "The 7th Portal", "Lightspeed", and "Mosaic".
"Do you remember how I looked when I was young and looked like Bea Arthur's husband on Maude?"
"Yes, I do. You know, if you were to watch that show and Jon Pertwee's Doctor Who back-to-back, you wouldn't know the difference."
"Hmmph...Odin will get you for that one, effendi."
"You think I'm hindu?"
"It's just an expression."
"Oh, sorry. Go right ahead."
"Do you remember when I presided over the wedding of Spider-Man and Mary Jane Watson at Shea Stadium and wished them a long and happy marriage?"
"Oh, yeah, sure - and when that marriage ended, you said that 'change is good' or something or other...who lives to keep track of quotes, anyway?"
"Silence!...Do you remember when I hosted Who Wants To Be A Superhero?"
"Yes,...all those poor, deluded, misguided fools..."
"That's enough! Listen - I'm here to warn you! You are doomed into wearing more patches than I! You may even end up as something much more horrendous - an Autopen!"
"What do you want me to do?"
"You will be visited tonight by three spirits. Listen to them, learn from them - or you may wind up trolling the halls of next year's Comic Con in ill-fitting karate gi and claiming to be a Jedi Knight."
"You can tear up my ticket right now."
"Oh, no, just wait...wait for them. Believe that, true believer. Believe that."
"Isn't there anything you could teach me?"
"Stay away from Brand Ecch. Excelsior!"
He faded away...
To be continued...
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Selective Six: "The Thrill of The Hunt!, By Jove!"
I've made allusions to hunting and "The World's Most Dangerous Game" in regard to Free Comic Book Day - which is this Saturday, May 5th - because that's exactly what it is. It's not promoted too well, some comic shop owners get to practice being sly, and the end result is a walkabout of every shop you can think of within sane distance.
Some shops will have ordered enough copies of free swag to appease both the regular customers, the newcomers, the swag seekers, and the stage mothers hoping this will be the only trip to the store they or their kids will ever make. Some have shopkeepers-turned soup nazis, handling out one random copy of any book to whomever has the right teeth or hair or whatever pleases. Other shops use the day to package unsold overstock and hand it out in random grab bags - others will carry on as though the day does not exist. The best shops have enough to let you pick one of everything.
Then there's the comics. There's not much in the way of a guide to what's being offered, so with no opportunity to browse, your judgement is based on the cover that catches your eye - there's the trap. You might be picking an unfinished preview or a free reprint of a book you already have or lightwieght new material. If the store has set a limit, you're sunk. Trust your instincts. Search the net before you walk in and walkabout.
Now, what can be more fun than to use a familiar example to explain the need for FCBD and the Comic Book Market in as vague a way as possible:
Picture a long wide countertop filled with tall glasses of milkshakes - all flavors. You've got a box of straws-sip one milkshake, discard the straw, then use a fresh straw to take another sip out of that same milkshake. You never move on to the other shakes and repeat the same actions with your straws until that one glass is half-full, or half-empty, from your p.o.v. You suddenly decide it's a good idea to try the other shakes on the counter - but you're out of fresh straws. So you try using a used straw to sip out of the other shakes. That isn't really a great idea, but it's all you've got and you repeat these steps - while going back to the increasingly shrinking first glass, because that's the only one that you had used all the straws on and it seems to work out, might as well finish it up.
That's the last 15 years in a nutshell.
Take care everyone. have a milkshake. ;)
P.S. - Don't think I'm giving comic shops a poke in the ribs just because they're spending more on free stuff than they can hope to earn back - it's not their business to think that way - this day was created with high optimism, minimal negativity. Until the day when someone writes a book called "The Power Of Negative Thinking" then positive is the way to go. 
Some shops will have ordered enough copies of free swag to appease both the regular customers, the newcomers, the swag seekers, and the stage mothers hoping this will be the only trip to the store they or their kids will ever make. Some have shopkeepers-turned soup nazis, handling out one random copy of any book to whomever has the right teeth or hair or whatever pleases. Other shops use the day to package unsold overstock and hand it out in random grab bags - others will carry on as though the day does not exist. The best shops have enough to let you pick one of everything.
Then there's the comics. There's not much in the way of a guide to what's being offered, so with no opportunity to browse, your judgement is based on the cover that catches your eye - there's the trap. You might be picking an unfinished preview or a free reprint of a book you already have or lightwieght new material. If the store has set a limit, you're sunk. Trust your instincts. Search the net before you walk in and walkabout.
Now, what can be more fun than to use a familiar example to explain the need for FCBD and the Comic Book Market in as vague a way as possible:
Picture a long wide countertop filled with tall glasses of milkshakes - all flavors. You've got a box of straws-sip one milkshake, discard the straw, then use a fresh straw to take another sip out of that same milkshake. You never move on to the other shakes and repeat the same actions with your straws until that one glass is half-full, or half-empty, from your p.o.v. You suddenly decide it's a good idea to try the other shakes on the counter - but you're out of fresh straws. So you try using a used straw to sip out of the other shakes. That isn't really a great idea, but it's all you've got and you repeat these steps - while going back to the increasingly shrinking first glass, because that's the only one that you had used all the straws on and it seems to work out, might as well finish it up.
That's the last 15 years in a nutshell.
Take care everyone. have a milkshake. ;)
P.S. - Don't think I'm giving comic shops a poke in the ribs just because they're spending more on free stuff than they can hope to earn back - it's not their business to think that way - this day was created with high optimism, minimal negativity. Until the day when someone writes a book called "The Power Of Negative Thinking" then positive is the way to go.
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